My husband and I just became grandparents. It is a learning experience finding out what our roles are. My daughter and son-in-law live with us as well as my granddaughter. Finding out what your boundaries are is a balancing act. You have a mother who is super protective of her baby and wants the best care for her baby. This is good. Sometimes they sound so ridiculous, but you have to listen.
My rule of thumb has been to back off from the parents and the baby, letting them bond. There are brief times I want to hold her, but my daughter just rolls her eyes at me. I talk to the baby as if I was having a conversation and you can hear her saying she is crazy-although they do it too. I guess they are not used to me talking so infantile. They do not realize they do it too. I just ignore it.
The reason I am writing this article is for new grandparents out there who are learning to become grandparents. There are a few suggestions I have about becoming the best grandparent you can be.
繚 Do not overstep your welcome. Stay long enough to get a taste of your grandchild and let your child decide how much involvement they want you to have. As the child gets older, you may be spending more time with your grandchild.
繚 Show concern and take an interest in your grandchild. Ask how the doctor's visit went, but do not harp on it. Your child may tell you something or they may not want to discuss it with you. My daughter thinks I should already know how it went. She does not realize that I am truly interested in how to clear her clogged tear duct or how much she weighs or how long she is now. Again they may not want to discuss this with you. Give them their privacy and let them tell you in their own time. Maybe they want to discuss it with their spouse first. Maybe they feel it is something they are responsible for-when it is not and they are afraid of what you will think.
繚 Always ask if you can pick up their child. Maybe they are trying to get their child on a schedule or trying to break a habit from the baby being held all the time. Maybe they are getting ready to feed the baby. Maybe they want their husband to take a role in doing something with the baby-changing the baby's diaper, learning how to quiet a crying baby, having the baby learn a connection with their daddy.
繚 Do not assume anything. Maybe your child wants help, but they do not know how to ask you for their help. Let them figure it out. They may be embarrassed to know they need your help. They want to be as independent as possible.
繚 Do not give advice unless it is solicited. They are still trying to show their independence from you and they are making their own family unit and working on things on their own.
繚 When you listen to your co-workers tell how wonderful it is to be a grandparent, do not despair. Their grandchildren are older and their children use them as baby sitters and then your children may be at a different stage in their life-they may want your help and advice.
繚 Give this union between you and your grandchild a chance to grow. Do not rush it. The wait is worth it.
Why am I telling you this? I am trying to tell you we need to set boundaries between ourselves, our children, and our grandchild. It is important. I have seen grandparents rush in and take over the mother's roll and that is not giving your child respect. You are overstepping your boundaries. Now there are instances where you need to take over-the mother has postpartum depression/psychosis. The baby is really sick and the parents need respite. Use your best judgment and let your children tell you how much help they may or may not need. Let this early stage in the newborn's life be a sacred space. Your time will come. At least that is what I hear.
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